What happened to me? I'm being crazy today. But well, I got my reasons in doing so. Beibei went for Chemo on friday so he wasn't feeling VERY well. On that night I asked him if he was able to go to the library with me (I haven't started on my assignments yet, how bad can it get?) then probably we could catch a movie or what after I'm done but he said he didn't want to travel all the way to Bugis. However he insisted Causeway Point would be fine for him so I booked online for the movie tickets.
The thought of travelling alone is lonely. I'm not a person who can do things alone, be it shopping, eating or whatever. I can only be alone when I got a good book in hand. It keeps my mind on the story, rather letting me know that I'm all alone. I tried to convince him out. But I failed. It doesn't matter much, because in the end I still managed to go to the library and did my research for my papers. When I'm finishing, I sent him a meesage, letting him know that I can meet him for dinner. I was downright HUNGRY because I hadn't have any meals since I woke up at around 12.30pm. "A hungry man is an angry man". How true is that! I was angry when he asked why I wanted to go Sakae to eat. I KNOW! I need to save up (I keep telling him too.) for my future trips to "everywhere around the world", but I AM HUNGRY. And he didn't get my point. He keep saying he can only eat PORRIDGE which irritates me more because as far as I know, Chemo patient must eat thoroughly cooked food, and there ARE cooked food in Sakae. It's not as though Sakae only serves Sashimi.
But after eating a few plates of sushi and had my hunger satisfied, I looked and him and my heart melted. I knew i was wrong. I was wrong to throw my temper that way. I always see myself as VERY independent and sensible. I always sneered at couples who are quarrelling over trivial matters. But what's the difference between them and me now? I was just being childish, insisting that he must eat what I eat, just because I know he dote on me. And he never fails to make me feel important. I wanted to apologise, I wanted to kiss him sorry, but I did not, because of my ego and one day this good "friend" of mine will get me killed. I knew his reply, I knew him inside out. "Aiya, you're always like that. I'm used to it already." Do you get my point? I wouldn't know how to answer after that. Everyone has their way of leting their steams out and I know he may not really feel that way, but by saying so he could annoy me and make me know that I'm being insensible again. But hell, I'm only 19 this year. How much could you get from a 19-year-old girl, who works and pays her own school fees ($6k in total!!Damn!), handphone bills, laptop installments, internet fees and survive with the meagre left-over income? Sometimes I really feel that life is a challenge that I hope I do not have to take it. I mean, god, please give me some help man. I'm struggling hard on myself and yet the advice I got from people around me is, "save some money every month for a rainy day." Don't they ever get it? How to, when after paying all the money, survive with the leftovers?
However, when I think of those infants and orphans in Sichuan (in fact, in every rural villages and countries), I feel so much satisfied with what I have now. Perhaps the main reason is because I study psychology. It's all in the mind. You are in control of how you think and behave. So in most times, I try all my best to think positive and be satisfied for what I have. I know it's hard, since I was the pessimistic type.
Bei, if you ever got the chance to read this, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it all that way. I just...I just needed a punching bag, and I'm sorry you have to be that punching bag. Do remember to get a REAL one for me in future we get married and when we move in together okay. That way I can go straight up to that stupid puching bag (But don't you ever dare design it to look like a cockroach, I'll punch your nose off!) and injure my hands than to injure your feelings. At least I know that will definitely make me feel better. Love you (:
